A mother wants freedom from an abusive marriage but father wants to remain in control. Once you leave, your ex will double-down to exert control any way possible - even weaponizing the children - it's called, Post-Separation-Abuse!
Emotional manipulation, psychological torment, verbal assaults, and insidious forms of control can entrap survivors for weeks, months, or even years beyond the end of the relationship. This pattern of behaviour is what we define as post-separation abuse – a sinister continuation of power dynamics that persist long after physical separation.
One of the most alarming manifestations of post-separation abuse is ex-intimate stalking. This relentless pursuit, fuelled by a toxic blend of possessiveness and entitlement, can inflict severe emotional and psychological wounds on the woman/mother and children.
It's imperative for those experiencing such behaviour to take decisive action.
Seeking help is not a sign of weakness; it's an act of courage. Documenting incidents, reaching out to support networks, and, if necessary, involving law enforcement are critical steps towards ensuring your safety and well-being. Remember, you have the right to protect yourself from further harm.
Legal measures, such as obtaining restraining orders, can provide a vital layer of protection against your abuser's relentless advances. While the road to justice may be daunting, know that you are not alone. You deserve to reclaim your autonomy, your peace of mind, and your future free from fear.
Stand tall, dear survivor, and know that your voice matters. Together, we can shine a light on the darkness of post-separation abuse and pave the way for a future where every individual can break free from the shackles of control.
This blog explores the form of post-separation abuse, otherwise referred to as, Stalking and Harassment.
The characteristic of stalking behaviour is when your ex is fixated on you. They are obsessed with you and continue to show unwanted attention repeatedly.
Are you unsure if you are experiencing stalking? Think clearly about your ex's behaviour. If you can identify the four characteristics of their behaviour, there is a strong possibility that you are being stalked.
My son's dad won't stop contacting us. He calls incessantly, bad-mouths me to our son, and reacts aggressively when I object. Yesterday, he called 38 times, and today, he's been sending texts, voicemails, emails, and even watching from across the road. It's overwhelming.
Here are the dos and don'ts.
The do's and don'ts are essential to follow if you want to be safe. With this in mind, consider the potential consequences of ignoring them. Remember that adhering to these guidelines requires gathering facts/evidence for justice.
Do - Call the Police. It only takes two incidents of stalking behaviour to report it to the Police as stalking. You will receive a CAD/CRIS/Ref number. The Police will visit to take a complete statement. Ensure you tell the Police not to caution or warn the stalker. This diminishes any evidence you previously have. If there has been violence prior, the Police may decide to arrest him based on your statement and the quality of evidence submitted. The Police will have the power to put bail conditions in place during the ongoing investigation.
Don't - block the abuser - even though it is painful, scary and distressing. Ensure you take pictures of any gifts delivered and do not handle them but put them in a container to be handed to the Police. His ongoing stalking and harassment behaviour will give you the evidence you need to prove stalking behaviour.
Do - Call the Police if the behaviour continues. The second time you call the Police, cite the original Police number and state quite clearly you want to report the incident(s) as 'ongoing stalking.' If you have/or are experiencing what is described above, don't be fobbed off by the Police. Sometimes, your experience may be called 'domestic abuse' or 'a Civil Matter.' Be very clear that you are reporting 'stalking behaviour' and you want it logged as such.
Don't - speak to or engage with the abuser. Cease all contact. Don't meet to discuss, reason, or explain. No writing letters or responding to emails - hoping he understands or sees reason. It will only spur him on and encourage the unwanted behaviour.
Do - notify your manager, family, and friends about the fixated, obsessive, unwanted, and repetitive behaviour. If the stalking behaviour includes making unwanted contact at your place of employment, turning up at social or family events, or contacting members of your family or friends, encourage them to log all incidents concerning the abuser. Ensure they log dates, locations, details and times and contact the Police directly or pass you the details so you can notify them.
Don't - block your phone or social media pages. Ensure you screenshot messages and pages.
Beware of new friend requests from fake accounts. Sometimes, the abuser will use withheld numbers when calling or use a fake identity to stalk you on social media (cyberstalking). You must continue collecting and storing evidence.
Do - take pictures of any gifts delivered, and keep any notes attached. Ensure the images are taken and emailed to yourself or someone you can trust if you lose your phone or there is damage.
Don't - forget to walk in public spaces, enter supermarkets or spaces with CCTV and always have your phone charged. Get a personal alarm as soon as possible and a doorbell video recorder if you have experienced threats, loitering, watching or vandalism. Be smart and continue to gather evidence.
Do - state the Police (which should be arranged by the Police) and copies of any evidence you have gathered. Call the Police for an update since the reports. The Police can arrest, caution, and set bail conditions on interviewing the abuser. If this doesn't happen, you have the right to ask for an explanation about any lack of response to your reports of stalking.
Don't - leave anything to chance. Ensure your doors are locked and windows are secure at all times. Remain vigilant when out and about and discourage any vigilante behaviour by family members or friends. If you are working late, ensure someone knows and knows the route you will take home.
I know how frustrating it can be when you want to move on from a bad relationship only to have this 'idiot' intent on making your life a misery. It's not wise to suffer in silence, become isolated or disengage.
All of us have seen cases of women stalked by their exes for years, and even more sinister are the exes who hunt and try to control with fatal consequences.
Under the Protection from Harassment Act 1997 under the Stalking and Harassment statute, stalking is a crime. Even though persistent stalking behaviour is terrifying, to get the Police to investigate or your case submitted to the Crown Prosecution Service (CPS), you must have robust, factual and concise evidence about the stalking behaviour.
Knowledge is power: https://www.cps.gov.uk/legal-guidance/stalking-or-harassment
If you believe you are being stalked or harassed by an ex-partner contact:
National Stalking Helpline 0808 0800 0300
Cyberstalking Helpline 0800 952 3000
Next Episode
Stalking - How to recognise Coercive Controlling Behaviour