''The victim becomes captive in an unreal world created by the abuser, entrapped in a world of confusion, contradiction and fear.'' Evan Stark - is a sociologist, forensic social worker, a widely published author
Two years ago I was at the peak of my career, managing a dynamic team and enjoying the independence of having my two boys off exploring their own adventures. Little did I know that a seemingly promising introduction to an old college friend would lead me down a path of manipulation, coercion and abuse.
At first everything seemed perfect. Our initial dates were filled with laughter and affection but as time passed I found myself falling deeper in a web of control and manipulation. Critical remarks, contradictions of my opinions and demands on my personal choices became the norm. I was constantly undermined, controlled and left feeling controlled and powerless.
The most frustrating part was admiration from those around us. Friends and colleagues praised our relationship, labelling me as lucky to have found 'true love'. Behind closed doors however, I was living a nightmare. He demanded I was home at a certain time; if not he would be constantly phoning, texting, messaging and with each message he became more and more vicious. My partner's demands escalated to the point where he moved into my home without my consent. He manipulated me into buying him expensive gifts, even a brand new car.
Coercive Controlling Behaviour
Being told where to go, what to eat/wear. My god!!
I trusted him and he shattered my trust completely. He even accused me of leading him on - making him look like a fool - being narcisstic!
I began to fall apart - 'maybe I was narcisstic' and then, 'did I really ask him to move in? Of course; I gave him the key and we went on.
He would get in my face - really close up and scream at me; punch and kick walls, threatening me and then, like a switch, he would break down sobbing, asking for forgiveness and also laying the blame for his behaviour firmly at my feet.
I can tell you no matter your age, life experience, there are men and women among us whose ultimate high is getting a kick out of seeing someone squirm whilst under their control. They take absolute pleasure in drawing you in, watching your every move and mannerisms just to break you down.
When it comes to coercive controlling behaviour always seek help, it is not something you can always see coming but, without help it is very difficult to break free of a manipulative stronghold that will fight kicking and screaming before it sets you free.
In three years I went from an independent career woman to an absolute shell. I was in functional freeze at work. When he wanted me to add his name to the deeds of my home I knew I had to reach out to someone. Despite the shame and guilt I felt, I needed help. It was another three months before one day, I left work and went straight to my friend's house. I hadn't seen her for 18mths
What do I do?
Healing from coercive control is a challenge. Firstly you need to recognise the difference in what you're experiencing. There is a difference between a loving relationship and a controlling relationship.
There are steps you can take to begin your healing process. I always ask if the abuse is recognised and what does it look like. Many survivors believe that if their partner is not hitting/physically abusing them, it is not abuse but believe me - it is!
Section 76 Serious Crime Act 2015(SCA 2015) created the offence of controlling or coercive behaviour in an intimate or family relationship (CCB). It can be tried summarily or on indictment and has a maximum penalty of five years’ imprisonment.
Now that you've recognised your abuse, seek support. Ask for help from family and friends you can trust. Your partner is playing a role (covert narcissism) which is always appealing to those people on the outside of the relationship. So, make sure you can trust who you speak to. If you have no-one, then reach out to advisors, your GP and support services.
Start therapy as soon as you can. If there is a waiting list, contact other services and if you are ready, call the Police. You may need to have your ex-partner removed or you may need to use legislation to keep him away.
Your safety is paramount so if (in this case) your partner is in your home, the Police can be very helpful and escort him off the premises.
If you are not comfortable with involving the Police at the earliest stage (you can make a Police statement on standby) lean in to the support systems you have. Use that time to be still, educate yourself about coercive control, have that conversation and rediscover your sense of identity.
Asking for help
Seeking help was not easy. The shame and guilt of admitting I was a victim of abuse weighed heavily on me but I knew I couldn't continue living in fear.
With help of trusted friends and professionals I took the first steps to reclaiming my life.
Recognising coercive control as a form of abuse was empowering. Understanding that abuse doesn't always manifest as physical violence was a crucial realization. The coercive controlling behaviour I experienced was just as damaging, if not more so, than physical abuse.
It is important to talk in a non-judgmental environment. It is necessary to treat yourself with love and compassion. You will start to see the reality instead of the fantasy that your ex-partner planted in your psyche.
Focus on rebuilding your life - no matter how young or old - rediscover your sense of autonomy by setting goals or pursuing your passions. It is a journey of healing and self discovery filled with setbacks and moments of triumph!
The Programme was primarily designed for women as victims of domestic violence, since research shows that in the vast majority of cases of serious abuse are male on female. https://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/search2.php
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